Tuesday, 17 April 2007

Shitass planners R us

OK, now I get it. The Northern Territory’s tourist-baiting jingle - “You never never know if you never never go” - TOTALLY makes sense. Because now I know! I really really know what I never never knew! That a Top End camping holiday at the end of monsoon season is never never a goddamn fucking good idea! So the tent looks all nice & cozy now but just you WAIT!

I’m standing in an inch of water – inside the tent, mind – and wringing out my undies while the monsoon buckets down, the thunder making my eye twitch like a banshee and the lightning directly overhead (stop reading NOW, Grandma!) illuminating my girls’ mercifully sleeping faces. We are in the middle of nowhere. Literally, this is nowhere unless you are a fucking crocodile or a dingo or a goddamn kookaburra who dares laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

How do people LIVE in this climate?

Naturally, Doog thinks it’s all fantastically good fun but I will smother him with a pillow as soon as he nods off, and then how fun will it be? Huh? Huh?! How can he possibly say he loves this? My heretofore robust sense of humour has exited stage left, and I am left to seethe and wonder: How did I get myself into this mess? I suppose I could blame Doog but the truth is, yes indeed, in my excitement to see something new and different in Australia, I skimmed over the brochures and their warnings about the wet season.

Ooops.

Dare to skim, and you shall be punished. Skim, and you shall be bitten on the ass, big time. Skim, and you may as well hang a sign on yourself that reads: I am a shitass bad holiday-planner fuckup.

6 comments:

Cath said...

Travellinmama's come home with a severe case of potty mouth! Whaddya take for that?

Nancy Harper said...

Hey Cath,
You're right, Cath. BAD mama. BAD mama. Can't help it though. (BTW, Doog's got a poster at home of an old-fashioned soldier holding a cup of steaming coffee, with a caption that reads: "How's about a nice big cup of shut the fuck up?") I like that one.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Nance, I just died reading this. I could feel the absolute oppressive heat with every word. There's no way I could have survived. So good for you for NOT suffocating Doog. I don't know that Uncle Rick would have been as lucky. Your mouth was not nearly "potty" enough!
By the way, I think Trish's ideas were spot on. Oprah is the way to go... with a reality CHALLENGE to follow. And definitely, an accompanying volume of "Mollyisms". A bit of a geography lesson when she comes back though. After CANADA, comes Manitoba.
Aunt J

Nancy Harper said...

Aunt J,
You are a star. I love you for all your confident backing-up (and of course for many other reasons, oh cool one)

Trins said...

That was just truly a bloody funny READ. better than any useless book I have going right now. Can I take you to bed? To read that is.

Nancy Harper said...

Thanks Trins, I had fun with that one too!
love from your FAVOURITE sister-in-law!!
nanc